How to talk to parents

Tip 1. Stay Calm

“During my work, I can encounter parents who disagree with the Court’s decisions and can get very upset with me. In the past, I had moments in which I would become angry in response. However, I quickly learned that it’s crucial to stay calm. I calmly remind my clients of their responsibilities and try to understand why they might disagree. I counter any disagreements by carefully explaining the reality of their situation and the rewards for meeting the requirements stipulated by the Court. If someone gets angry and isn’t open to having a conversation, I give them time to ‘cool off’ before our next meeting.”

Tip 2. Place yourself in their shoes

“As we deal with neglected or abused children, showing empathy for their parents or caregivers can be tough. However, in many of our cases, parents want to be good parents, but due to socioeconomic reasons, they cannot provide for their children’s needs. Try to imagine what the parents are going through and show empathy while working with them. Placing yourself in their shoes also helps to set realistic goals for the families we work with.”

Tip 3. Show interest in their well-being

“Because many of our clients are parents whose children have been placed under protective custody, they see us as ‘the bad guy’ when they come in for their first appointments. Our job is to make them feel safe, talk to them, and prove that SJIS is there to help them accomplish their goals and reunite them with their family. I think the first step to breaking down any barriers is going into meetings with a smile on my face. I ask them how they are doing and feel about the situation. Show interest in their well-being first before talking about solving the case with their children.”

Tip 4. Provide lots of positive examples

“Some of our clients don’t realise they have a problem. I used to be judgmental of those clients. The longer I worked in this job, the more I realised that many of our clients were raised in abusive households and never had positive role models or education on being good parents. This means that I need to provide a lot of information and examples of good parenting practices. Providing ample examples also encourages parents to reflect and understand why they must make changes to ensure a better future for their children and family. It is challenging to teach people to self-reflect, but essential for better decision-making in the future.”

Tip 5. Get enough background information

“Before you approach parents, try to find out as much as possible about them and their family situation. When a student enrolls at our school, there is an intake assessment with the parents and students, so we have quite a bit of information on file. This information helps to think of how best to approach a family and discuss a complex topic – which might differ per culture. A lot of our families have language barriers and cannot speak English. To make accommodations, we ask a colleague to translate if we can’t speak the language.”

Tip 6. Be gentle

“I had a student desperately needing better hygiene – which is a difficult topic to broach. Parents have pride and don’t want people to know how hard they have it. You must be gentle in how you talk to families and understand that they might be doing their best. Pushing too hard can lead to parents becoming closed off to your advice or support. When parents are not ready to talk, I send gentle reminders to these families that I am here for them. In addition, I will send general notices in the parents’ WhatsApp group so that people do not feel called out. Our school will also provide occasional food bags and vouchers to ease the burden of families in need – without them having to explicitly ask for this.”

Tip 7. Confidentiality and compassion gentle

“No parent or person wants their sensitive or personal information out on the road. When you think of Sint Maarten, it is like a small town – everyone talks. If a parent confides in you and later hears ‘their business on the road’, they will never come back! They also won’t come back if they feel judged. Make sure you show parents that you are listening without judgement when they share their stories. Even when you can’t assist them in improving their difficult circumstances, a listening ear goes a long way towards making parents feel better.”

Tip 8. Encourage parents to take care of themselves

“If the parent’s well-being is not met, they cannot help the child – so you need a holistic approach when assisting children and their families. I encourage parents to take care of themselves and consider their needs. Sometimes they feel selfish or guilty for considering their own needs, especially if their children are struggling. But it is like the rule on an aeroplane: put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Because if you run out of oxygen yourself, you can’t help anyone else!”