Despite the abuse Celia and her children experienced from her husband, for a long time she was unable to leave him. After nine years, she escaped to the Crisis Shelter with her multiple children.
“I think the point where my life turned upside down, was when my now ex-partner became abusive. I never expected this. He was nice to me in the beginning and said that he wanted to take care of my kids and me. Then it all changed. I am not sure what it was; maybe other people or things were stressing him.
The abuse started with my children, then me, and continued even when I was pregnant.
Hard to leave
He was very controlling, and locked me in the house, and always wanted to know where I was. He threatened to kill me, and he threatened my children. He even held my young son in a chokehold once. I spent nine years in fear, for my kids and myself. I can’t fully explain why it’s hard to leave; I was afraid, and also did not have anywhere else to go.
One night, when he came back home and started yelling at me, something snapped, and I started yelling back. He started hitting me with a steel rod. The neighbours heard the noise and called the police. When the police arrived and saw what he had done, they took him to police station, but within just 24 hours they had let him go. I went to stay at my sister’s house with my children.
Restraining order
I have ten children, so it is very difficult to find an affordable home for us to rent. Staying at my sister’s home also became increasingly stressful. My family encouraged me to go back to my ex-partner, which I did not want. I applied to stay at the shelter. It has been almost nine months since I moved in.
Although it isn’t ideal to stay at the shelter, I am happy and relieved that my children are safe.
My ex-partner still tries to bother us and threatens my children and me; he has even come to the gate at the shelter. I have a restraining order against him, but that doesn’t really offer much protection. I don’t think enough is being done to stop him or to punish him for his abuse. My children sometimes say: ‘Mommy, I wish we could leave the island and make things better, and we don’t have to see him anymore.’
My ex-partner still tries to bother us and threatens my children and me; he has even come to the gate at the shelter. I have a restraining order against him, but that doesn’t really offer much protection. I don’t think enough is being done to stop him or to punish him for his abuse. My children sometimes say: ‘Mommy, I wish we could leave the island and make things better, and we don’t have to see him anymore.’
Cycle
I think my children are also relieved to be at the shelter, and that no one is hitting them. My oldest son, who is 14, is having the hardest time. My son also had permanent damage to his eyes from being hit. He remembers the most and is angry and lashes out. I try to spend time with him and talk to him. I try and tell my son that what he experienced isn’t the right way to treat women. I hope that with counselling he works out his frustrations.
My ex-partner had a horrible childhood and was also physically abused by his family, it is a cycle.
Keep pushing
Although counselling is hard, I do think it helps me a little bit to speak to the counsellors. I just want to work on getting a job and a place to stay. It is hard to find a job when you have three small children at home. Childcare is expensive, so I can’t drop them off there. It is also difficult to find available jobs. I hope to get the opportunity to continue my education at NIPA, I love cooking, and would like to work as a cook. I only receive 934 guilders in welfare support per month. It feels nearly impossible to find a place to rent that is appropriate for my kids and me. It is demotivating at times, but I have to keep pushing for my children.
Seeing the signs
I believe that the island needs to have more awareness in place, also in schools. More education on abuse and the signs so that people know how to help. I felt stuck and did not know how to ask for help either. I think teachers should’ve seen the signs earlier. A teacher asked my son once, but out of fear my son would say: nothing is wrong.
At the shelter, at least we have some peace now, and I can spend more time with my children. My son’s student counsellor said the other day that he was doing well; and it is great to see him excel, despite what he has been through. I just want my kids to be happy and safe.’
*Name has been changed to protect her privacy
