On a regular day in January, while meeting with my colleague, I received an unexpected phone call from the Foundation Judicial Institute St. Maarten (SJIS): “Are you willing to foster a 2-month-old baby?”. After gathering my thoughts and quickly calling my mother, I said, “Yes!”. I never imagined that I would go to bed with a new baby boy when I left for work that morning.
A born and raised Soualigan, I moved back home after studying nursing in Amsterdam. I’m the adjunct director at NIPA, and the nursing program there is close to my heart. I’d describe myself as a fun-loving and adventurous person with plenty of love to give. Many years ago, when I was in a long-term relationship, I considered starting a family and found that I was open to having children biologically and through adoption.
Fostering or adoption
Although the relationship ended, I was keen on starting a family. While going through the healing process, I did a lot of research into adoption. I preferred to adopt a baby, to have the whole experience of caring for my child as early as possible in their life. About two years ago, I contacted the Court of Guardianship to discuss the possibility of adopting locally.
Although the relationship ended, I was keen on starting a family. While going through the healing process, I did a lot of research into adoption. I preferred to adopt a baby, to have the whole experience of caring for my child as early as possible in their life. About two years ago, I contacted the Court of Guardianship to discuss the possibility of adopting locally.
” I did a lot of research into adoption. I preferred to adopt a baby, to have the whole experience of caring for my child as early as possible in their life. “
Adoption is rare in Sint Maarten as the main goal is to keep families together. Biological parents must willingly sign away their parental rights for adoption to occur. If not, the process is much longer, starting with several years of the child being fostered by the family interested in adopting. It must be proven to a judge, in multiple ways, that the biological parent(s) are unwilling or incapable of providing for their child during those years before placement for adoption becomes an option.
I have come to accept the current circumstances, and I am at peace with the idea that I might not be able to adopt a child as I initially envisioned. Many children need love. Through fostering, I can still provide for a child and give them a safe and loving home environment.
It takes a village
My life changed forever with that fateful call. I picked up my son that very day. My best friend drove me home while I held him in the backseat. Had I known in advance, I could have prepared for his arrival. I would have bought a car seat and set up a nursery. At the very least, have a crib and a few bottles. However, it goes to show how important it is to have a great social circle. Thanks to my fantastic network of friends and family, I had everything I needed and then some within 48 hours.
My employers have also been amazing by allowing me to take maternity leave. They granted me the full 12 weeks, the same amount of time I would have been entitled to, by law, had I given birth, to bond with my son. I am incredibly grateful for their generosity because they were not obligated to do so. Foster parents are at the mercy of their employer, as the law makes no provisions for special leave in these cases.
Life-changing moment
I will never forget when I first saw him. He was so tiny and helpless, and I could not believe I was taking him home. Even though I had been waiting for this moment, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the thought of being responsible for this little human being. I hardly slept that night. I did not have a crib yet, so he slept in my arms. It was the worst sleep ever because I was conscious of his presence and afraid, I might smother him during the night. But all my discomfort was worth it when I woke up and saw his cute little face, and angel smiles.
Steep learning curve
It’s surprising how naturally motherhood has come in many other ways. Until my son’s arrival, I led a relatively carefree life and could come and go as I pleased. Now, my son is always at the forefront of my mind, and I want to be with him constantly. However, the past two months have been a STEEP learning curve. I’ve always been a ‘go with the wind’ type, but now my son is the priority. His needs come first, and I must always consider him in my plans.
I made my first rookie mistake in the first week of having him. “Why do moms walk with such a big diaper bag and bring all this stuff?!” So, I planned it out: he had eaten at 3 pm, and we would easily be back at 6 pm before he would be hungry again. However, we got stuck in traffic. I felt like the worst mom when he started crying in the car! Still, I’m not too fond of that big diaper bag, so I got a more compact version and will carry diapers and formula everywhere with me from now on.
Sacrifice and love
The amount of love I have for my son in this short time is scary, especially when there is a possibility that he might be returned to his biological parents if they can get themselves together. Logically, I know they deserve a chance to redeem themselves. However, it is quite a dilemma to wish someone the best, knowing that that could mean losing your son.
As a parent, you have to be willing to make sacrifices and provide unconditional love. You might need an extra dose of these two ingredients as a foster parent. A foster or adoptive child could have varying degrees of trauma, and they will need your support to work through it. I intend to be fully transparent with my son to help him understand his past and work through this. I will tell him he is blessed to have multiple parents, parents who created him and a parent who is raising him.
Damaged goods
Some people say: “I love children too much! If I choose to foster them, I could not deal with having them taken away.” Fostering is about selflessness. Separation can be painful, and you know that going in. However, not every foster parent wants to adopt. Some want to provide a safe and loving environment temporarily. Therefore, they might not experience separation as a foster parent hoping to adopt as they knew the placement would end eventually. These types of foster parents are very much needed.
“Fostering is about selflessness. Separation can be painful, and you know that going in.”
Foster children need extra love, support, and understanding. They are not damaged, as I have heard some people say. They have experienced trauma from neglect or abuse. Being removed from the parental home is also traumatic, regardless of how early that occurred. However, they can become positive members of society if their needs, in all aspects, are met.
Fostering is not a decision you should make lightly or ‘just to be noble’. If you love children, have time and love to give, and have a stable home – you can make a difference in a child’s life by choosing to become a foster parent. You don’t have to be perfect either, but you must be willing to put a child’s needs before your own and expect nothing in return, including gratitude.
Lastly, it doesn’t matter how motherhood comes into your life. I do not view my relationship with my son differently than a biological mother would. Robert A. Heinlein said that being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relationship, and I genuinely believe that. Although I do have to chuckle when people say: “he looks so much like you!”
